Why I Don't Sleep With Men On The First Date
My reasons for not having sex on the first date are very specific to me. They're not about listening to the rules of dating or catering to any bullshit misogyny where people judge women for putting out. I have never cared about my body count and I absolutely refused to be slut shamed (if anything, I'm pretty goddamn slutmazing, but more on that down the road).
The truth of the matter is that I had only just started dating after a six year long distance relationship and because of that break-up (and the hurt I still felt) and some other unrelated things, I was carrying a lot of baggage around, which isn't to say that having baggage is that big of a deal (and I'm definitely not suggesting I am the only one with baggage), but having said baggage makes it a little easier to understand why a woman who is otherwise pretty slutterific isn't ready to fuck anyone just yet.
(My) Reasons For Not Having Sex On The First Date
<> I'm 28 not 22 and it's not as easy to be easy anymore. At 22, I only thought negatively of my body in terms of my fatness (in so much as I knew others hated me for being fat, not because I hated myself). But now, at 28, I'm starting to think negatively of my body in terms of aging as well. And so the idea of getting buck ass naked, while definitely not a problem nor anything really out of the question, but is at the very least something I pause to think about.
<> I haven't had sex (or even a kiss) since Mega Love* and first date sex is not what I had in mind.
<> I haven't had sex with a white man SOBER since the first time I had sex, like a decade ago. This is a big deal on two levels because one: I'm fucking sober now (4 years, thank you very much) and two: sex with white guys. I am very much aware that this fear relies on stereotypes of Black men loving women's bodies more fully than white men and just general white supremacist/misogynistic body ideals but here we are. The truth is that white guys make me more nervous. I feel like they're judging me a lot harsher than Black guys not to mention that I feel like with Black guys, I'm something they've seen before, but white guys I almost feel like I'm their detour to chubby town or that they just find ME sexy and are not normally into girls this big and thus don't understand the intricacies (read: folds of flesh) of my body.
<> Also, and this last reason is much less concerning and much more positive than the rest, which is that I'm waiting because it's more fun that way. Everything is new to me right now; I never really dated before Mega Love, not really. Life was just a series of parties and hookups and having fun, there weren't dinners out and coffee dates and there definitely wasn't me navigating it all while sober. So the truth is, I like to wait because everything is new and exciting right now. I don't need to rush to fucking because kissing is exceptionally thrilling at the moment.
So that's the gist of it really. I didn't fuck Garbage Man on our first date because I didn't want to fuck Garbage Man on our first date. Also, there may be one hilarious other reason, but you'll have to read the book to find that one out.
Perhaps most importantly, is some wisdom I've learned over the years which is this--no one worth dating will stop wanting to date you if you sleep with them or if you don't sleep with them on the first date. People of worth simply won't care one way or the other so what it all boils down to is that you should do what feels right for you without any regard to societal norms or social pressure. You are your own best advice, so listen to yourself!
*Mega Love is the nickname I've given to my previous relationship (6 years of long distance dating/relationship/love the demise of which subsequently led to my new foray into dating and as it would turn out, writing this blog).
*Originally published 05/02/2010*