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Vancouver Dating Blog: He Sucks, She Sucks, We All Suck Vancouver

I read this article by Katherine Ashenburg Do Vancouver Men Suck & then I read this response by Jorge Amigo Do Vancouver Women Suck, A Reader's Response, and honestly I can't keep my subsequent thoughts on these articles and the question, "Does Dating in Vancouver Really Suck?" to myself.



Dear Vancouver,

I hear it all the time, in fact I experience it often myself--dating in Vancouver sucks. And according to this article, we might just be able to get away with blaming the men because if I'm being honest, I completely agree, Vancouver men absolutely suck. But then again, so do the women. See, that's the thing about being jerks, just because you're one doesn't mean that I'm not also one and the same goes for the gender issue brought up in this article. Just because men here suck at dating, and possibly life, doesn't mean women don't too, and while I know I've just thrown a truckload of double negatives your way, I want to make something perfectly clear: I agree with the article, I disagree with the article, which is to say that I think it said some things worth saying while also completely missing the mark. Crystal clear right?


The problem with dating in Vancouver is actually pretty simple.  Well, at least knowing what the problem is, is simple, everything else like how it got this way and how to change it...well those are up for grabs.  But here it is, this is what I know about dating in Vancouver:


1.  Vancouver Men are pathetic

2.  Vancouver Women are bitches

3.  Everybody is still fucking

4.  We've become the "American School System of Dating"



1.  Vancouver Men are pathetic.

Men in Vancouver are shy and quiet. I can go anywhere in the US and men are chatting me up, in Spain they holler at me in the street, in Paris, a chef (in his full chef get-up) left his restraunt across the street to come into the laundromat I was using just to chat me up (he didn't even have any laundry). But in Vancouver, it's few and far between and most of the time I'm not even sure I'm being chatted up. And that's all out in public.


In the privacy of our own homes, using the internet and our apps, it's not all that different. Sure, men are more talkative in that they regale me with all kinds of foolishness (which I won't go into here since that's essentially the rest of the blog), but even so, there's a lack-of-assertiveness that comes through as well. While here in Vancouver, I get anywhere between 0-5 messages a day, and at least 80% of those are bullshit like "hot tiiiiiiiits", this isn't the case in every city. How do I know? Because I've experimented (my hobby is social science babes).


One day, I changed my dating profile to say Boston (after all, I am considering going to grad school there), and within that one single day, I had over 50 messages, at least 75% of which were eloquent and interesting. Now, it's not perfect science, perhaps Vancouver being a smaller city and my profile appearing as "new" in Boston caused the increase but still, that's a huge increase to ignore.


The truth is, at least according to my personal experience (which may not be your experience but is obviously somewhat universal or all these articles wouldn't have been written), Vancouver men are more timid than men in other cities and while I don't think the #2 below is entirely to blame, I do think it's a contributing factor.



2. Vancouver Women are Bitches.

Now ladies, before you start freaking out on me, allow me to explain myself. See, to me, you're absolutely queens, fucking lovely sweethearts, best ever besties, like I love ya. But I've watched as these same cuties have treated the men approaching them terribly (and to be clear I don't mean men who yell shit at them on the street because those dudes get whatever epithets are thrown in their faces). Vancouver women can be the Simon Cowells of dating (real critical bitches, yo). Things I've heard Vancouver women say about a man I've pointed out as attractive or possibly interested in us: He's gay. He's too feminine. Ugh, hipster. He's weird. He's creepy. He's too short. and the list goes on. And while I also, don't really want to date a short feminine hipster who's a little bit weird or creepy and may or may not be gay...it might be a good idea if I don't treat him like shit because


a. he's human

b. he might be a fucking genius (which aside from the gay possibility, could really negate all that other stuff for me)

c. who knows if he ends up being the most amazing person you've ever known and the whole hipster thing is just a phase.

d.  or maybe turns out you love hipsters

e.  or maybe or maybe or maybe...have a fucking imagination...and imagine the possibilities


Plus, in the interest of sisterhood, shouldn't we all be particularly kind and pleasant to any fellow interested in talking to us, if only to help propagate a species of males who regularly approach women in Vancouver? THINK OF YOUR SISTERS!!



That being said, I take you back to the point above where I mentioned that half the time a boy is chatting me up, it's so timid and feeble I assume he just wants us to be besties. And I'm almost certain during the conversation he hasn't once considered all the dirty things I might be able to do with my mouth (Sidenote:  To be clear he should never SAY any of the dirty things he's thinking till at least some of them have been put into action, I mean Social Protocol, yo, but still...he should be thinking them...if he wants me, I mean).


That being said, girls in Vancouver are fickle bitches. I can't tell you how many times girls complain about how dudes dress. But here's the thing ladies...you can't ask for a man in a suit and be disappointed when he's metrosexual. And you can't ask for a dude that puts effort into his outfit and then be disappointed when he shows up in skinny jeans and $200 high tops...which you can be damn sure he put some thought into. So the next time you want to complain about how a guy dresses, just remember that you're actually asking him to tuck his little purse of man coins (cajones, nuts, love lockets, berries, wedding tackle, etc.) just a little bit further away from you and hey if you're cool with that then cool it's not my business. But don't come crying to me while I love a man with a full beard and a baseball cap (and pants large enough to let his man marbles breathe) ready to talk science and fuck me senseless...uh...er...something like that. Basically ladies...stop asking for a Pretty Prince when you want a King because you can't have both and the next time some dude says what's up...give him a shot. I'm not saying you need to sell your soul or makeout with him in public, but like it's okay to have a little chit chat or whatever and see what's what.



3.  Everyone is Still Fucking.

Vancouver is a city you can get laid in. Maybe it's because we're liberal, maybe it's because the clubs here suck and what else are you going to do but grind up on someone else, or maybe it's because we're all just so fucking happy to be so close to the mountains, the ocean, and amazing sushi that we're willing to throw caution (and our panties) to the wind and get down. And to be clear...this is a judgement free zone...get down with your bad self.  But here's the one drawback I've seen so far.


Why would men want to bother to step their game up? Why would it even occur to them to be smarter, more interesting, kiss better, or any of the other things we want from them?? THEY'RE STILL GETTING LAID!!!! And while I'm currently doing my best to limit this phenomenon (which is quite the sacrifice for someone who rallies around the term SLUTmazing)...I can't do it alone ladies. I'm just one woman!


4.  Vancouver is the American School System of Dating.

People typically think of Hollywood as a town of beauty-obsessed starlets and airheads, so perhaps I shouldn't feel so shocked that Vancouver, the Hollywood of the North, has become full of the same.  I almost don't know how to describe it. I want to yell at this city, like a frustrated parent screams at their 21 year old who just keeps fucking up...over and over again and all you can do is explode with YOU BETTER GET YOUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT KIDDO!!!  Because that's really where the problem lies, this city and its people have a real fucked up set of priorities. In a city where the dating complaints sound a bit like something George Bush might say, I'd suggest that we've become the American Education System of Dating. Allow me to explain,


The first article described three young women (potential daters) as:


        "attractive, smartly put together, and fit. They hike the Chief, do the Grouse Grind, ski, bike the seawall, and kayak"


And then that's it. That's the end of the description. Like what?! This is a description that's supposed to make these women sound eligible and desirable and it's all just a bunch of bullshit stuff (wardrobe and fitness). Which is entirely accurate in terms of Vancouver, and entirely the point of what I'm saying--you can't expect great connection in a city that only values the surface. I weep for humanity.


Also, I mean, would you date these girls? I mean hot bodies and financials aside, what do these women even have to offer? And while you could make the argument that for the sake of brevity, details about personality were left out...but in an article that runs for five pages (no judgement, people in glass houses, I'm just saying)...that argument kind of falls flat.


And so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that the article focuses greatly on appearances, which is valid mind you, attraction is attraction. And that surface materialism (lack of forethought honestly) goes both ways because I find that Vancouver women are often talking about wanting a good dresser. But like, how about a man who can hold a conversation, who understands the ebb and flow of asking questions and offering things that can be responded to, who has SOMETHING TO SAY!  How about we aim for the stars and ask for intelligent men who have thoughts about science or math, or the history of art, or how a font curves in a way that makes his heart pound, or can tell a joke that is actually funny and not in that stupidI just said something super dumb but I'm going to attempt to cover it up by calling it a joke way that just makes you want to tear your hair out.


What happened to wanting real things that matter?? 


Who cares if he is wearing a sharp blazer if the man can't manage to follow an argument from thesis to proof to proof to proof to conclusion.


When did we get so fucking tedious!?!



Nonetheless, here is my advice to all ya'll. Ladies, be nicer to the next guy that chats you up (but if he's a loser, don't sleep with him because we no longer reward that easy bullshit). And guys, man the fuck up and ask her out because the only thing worse than being rejected is being rejected by a girl who probably would've liked you if only she'd known that you weren't just trying to be her new bestie.



As for that other article...


Finally, while I applaud @AmigoJor for getting out there and doing his thing.  I have to toss out a few words of advice for the boys.


1.  Don't talk to women on the bus if it's anytime before noon. She's busy. She's trying to get to work on time. She can't be bothered with you because her boss wants the blah blah on his desk by noon plus she's not really a morning person and dammit can't I just enjoy this latte in peace. Plus daytime isn't sexy, yo.  Save that shit for afternoon to evening.


2.  Beaches? Park? Sure...those are awesome for July and August...but uh...this is Vancouver.


3.  Yaletown. I can either buy into the stereotypes...in which case she's got the nervous jittery look because her body is still trying to recover from all the coke she did last night not because she's anti-social. If we want to go the PC route...don't assume...if you boys want us ladies to see you in your skinny jeans and not think gay! you're going to have to knock the Snobby girls are from... shit off. It goes both ways.


4.  Coffee Shops...home run. What can I say...he's right (though I see it in a slightly less cynical way)  And I almost kind of hope that one day I might run into this fella in a coffee-shop...and he'll say something kind and interesting and we'll have banter. He'll ask for my number and I'll give it. And perhaps he never calls. And perhaps I don't really want him to. But we'll both go home and start a snowball effect. We'll tell our friends about the time we met a person who was kind and funny and sort of maybe amazing (or at least not creepy and weird/ bitchy and distant) and how he acted like a man and I was a perfect lady. And it will encourage our friends to do the same. And they'll tell their friends and so on and so forth. All because one day a couple different people wrote articles and then some other people put it into action. Or ya know. Something like that.


But one final word of advice...gentlemen...don't ever say something like this "Ahh, lovely sunrise with those heavy clouds in the distance, eh?" (a quote from the article)...because while you think she responds with "yahh" out of disinterest, there's another much more likely reason. There is no good response to this. Or at least not one that someone who's just be taken aback by someone new talking to her on a bus can come up with in a timely manner. This is a question for an art gallery or a third date. When you're chatting a new gal up on the bus, on the street, at a pub, you have to make sure she can respond without feeling like an idiot. This is not the time to quiz her knowledge of 18th century philosophy. Just relax and ask her something normal, like, how is your night going?  



So good luck out there my lovelies and don't mistake my harsh no-bullshit approach for anything other than a love for this city and her people. I love Vancouver, and I wouldn't say all this if I didn't care. I just want you to knock off this teenager-apathetic-I-don't-need-to-be-amazing-nonsense and get started. It's never too late. Nothing is permanent. The world is waiting with baited breath. Now go out and date like I know you can.



Yours Truly,


Victoria Nachos

aka Something She Dated

aka That girl at Starbucks two seats over

aka Your favorite chat up chick

aka Miss Social Protocol 2012

aka Your dating fairy godmother

aka Dating Vancouver a Better Place, One "Something" at a Time




*originally posted 01/12/2012

 

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