He's Just Not That Into Me, Or Is He?
In April of 2010, I was 6 months post-breakup and only 4 men and a few dates into dating. My new foray into dating was mostly positive in as much as I was having fun telling the horror stories but I'd yet to really hit my stride with any worthwhile men.
It had been 6 weeks since my 2nd date with Garbage Man and just over two weeks since our last contact. It was a week and a half since the TEDisaster and a week since I'd taken down all my dating profiles in an effort to focus on schoolwork till the end of term.
So, you can imagine my surprise then when I received another text message from Garbage Man. The text message was the most brilliant piece of articulate literature you will ever encounter in your life. No? You don't believe me? Surely you expect something high caliber and exsquisite from the man that brought you bison in bed? Still no? You have such low expectations of a man who couldn't manage to deliver a third date inside a 4 month window? Okay so you're right. The text said this:
Need me to repeat that?
Still not quite clear? It's a fucking H. Now I know we've had our share of technical difficulties in the past and I will readily admit that Telus Mobility is single-handedly trying to ruin my social life with its unreliability but seriously?
That said, I know I shouldn't respond. I know I should walk away (and throw my phone in a river never to be heard from again). But I'm a curious cat if there ever was one and a sucker for knowing the full story, so I respond.
Me: You might want to resend that because all I got was an H.
I decide to just call because I don't have the patience to await a text response, plus at this point I don't even really care anymore. I'm not into men that can't get their shit together.
no answer. I don't leave a message.
Are you fucking serious? Now don't get me wrong...I've sent a text message or two to my friends and then gone into a class or a movie or something. But can you imagine texting a woman you're hoping to impress with your phone on silent?! Good gawd man!
15-20 minutes go by and I get a text.
Him: Hey Victoria. Sorry I'm just making dinner. How are u? Can I call you after I eat in about an hour?
I find this mind boggling and the only reason I even respond is my curiosity over why he even bothered texting me at all.
So I tell him sure. call me at home.
If it seems like I'm being a tad hysterical or over-the-top, it's probably because in some ways I'm mad at myself for even tolerating this kind of bullshit behaviour on his part (not just this weird text exchange but our whole experience together). And if I'm being honest, he reason I'm mad is I would never accept this kind of behaviour in a boyfriend or partner or even friend. But, because I'm looking for fun and summertime escapades and lusty sexual encounters and whatever other fun I can dream up, I put up with more than I should in order to make sure my time gets filled. But still, even with all that it's starting to feel like Garbage Man is nothing but a waste of time and space.
When he calls, it's a little bit awkward, mainly because I don't feel any inclination to make this particularly easy for him by being my chatty self and also because frankly I'm waiting for some kind of explanation of why he's so ridiculous. Unfortunately, he doesn't offer one up.
I was recently having a conversation with a friend who brought it to my attention that not everyone thinks like I do. In fact most don't. I personally find this hard to understand (clearly I do everything the best and right way) and yet its believable (this would certainly explain other drivers) that not everybody owns a copy of my rule book (a whole other blog post forthcoming soon).
So I do mention it to him (in a nice way), that I can't stand non-responsive people. In hindsight I should have been even more specific, I can't stand poor communicators and people who don't value the time of others. I'm quickly bored by the conversation and decide to boldly ask why he didn't call in the last 2 weeks or perhaps more importantly, in the 2 weeks before that. He offers up some bullshit about figuring some stuff out and basically the gist is that he's miserable at his job, it's really hard on his body blah blah blah.
So here's the harsh truth about the reality of dating me--just as I let certain things slide because I'm not looking for a relationship and instead just looking for fun, I'm 100 percent NOT interested in dealing with other things that relationships usual cover. For example, I'm very much not interested in the saga of him getting his life together, his trials and tribulations, you get the idea. Now this may paint a bitchy picture of me but I'm always very clear about my interests and what I'm looking for on my dating profile, and before you go feeling too sorry for Garbage Man, please remember that we've only been on 2 pretty mediocre dates over the 4 months we've been in conversation. Like, be fucking serious ya'll. He's the worst and we both know it.
The conversation continues and he expresses a sincere desire to hang out again, but I explain to him that though last month I was free as a bird, I'm not solid booked with school for the next month (until exams are finished). He accepts this and tells me it's his bday the day after my last exam and suggests we celebrate both accomplishments. I say "sure" and agree to go out when school is over for two reasons:
- I'll be putting in no effort
- If he wants to keep in touch that's his work to do and he's more than welcome to try
5 days later
He texts. Hey Victoria. Just thinking about you thought I would say hi.
I respond accordingly for a quick banter and then back to studying.
4 more days later
He texts: Studying Hard?
I respond: Yeah I'm studying my ass off. More banter and then back to studying.
6 more days later
I decide to put in some minimal effort and text: How was your weekend...get up to anything fun.
He responds accordingly for more banter and then I'm back to studying.
3 more days pass
He texts. banter. banter. back to studying.
4 more days pass
I write my second to last exam and then I'm off to Vegas for a friend's stagette (don't worry, I'll be back in time to keep studying for my final final). I text to tell him as much and he responds: Have fun. Place a bet for me. Talk to you when you get back.
Me: Will do.
4 more days pass
I text that I'm back from vegas and he responds with cut banter but it's getting late and we're trying to figure out what to do for his birthday. I have plans for Saturday night so we are going to hang out Friday night.
He texts: Victoria, can I call you tomorrow night?
Me: sounds good.
7 o'clock rolls around and then 8 and then 9 and then 10 like are you fucking kidding me?!?! For someone who has put in the effort to maintain contact over what feels like decades now, I truly can't believe this.
10:45pm -- Hey Victoria, Sorry I just been busy call me.
10:54pm -- Not sure which # to call
Which I guess is an okay question (I mean it's not but whatever) but like seriously if you're sending text messages to a phone, you can literally call THAT number you absolute tool. I'm tired, I'm stressed, it's late and I have an exam tomorrow. I text him to say as much: It's late and I'm still studying. talk tomorrow I guess.
Thursday (my last final and the day before our date)
Thursday arrives, and I take my last final (it goes brilliantly). I get two different papers back from different classes and have received an A- and an A. I'm on cloud 9!
I text Garbage Man: School's Out!!! Gimme a shout when you have some time. This #
6 hours later, I text again: Did you not get my last text message are you really this busy? (admittedly a little bit of crazy may be showing but I blame Telus).
Friday (his birthday)
Me: Happy Birthday. (I admit this is a little overboard to send 2 texts with not a single response but just as I wouldn't want to talk shit about a friend's ex only to have them get back together...I don't want to be the bitchy Betty who skipped his birthday wishes if we end up dating later lol!)
Me: Hey Garbage Man so i gotta say i don't think this is going to work. you manage to keep in touch for 4 weeks while i study but fall off completely now that I'm done?
Honestly it would've been cool to hang out but i just think you're too busy and I can't stand unresponsiveness which is a bad combo...makes sense right?
He responds: Sorry been busy. Going out for dinner. Probably not going to be able to see you this weekend. Hopefully ttyl.
No shit we're not going to see each other this weekend. With the sporadic text messaging I had already made some plans (and even if I hadn't would surely be faking some regardless!).
And that's when it hits me: as much as Garbage Man may be a real asshole and/or a terrible communicator, in this situation it's actually me who's playing the fool because it is absolutely crystal clear that he is not that into me.
Let me say that again.
He might be into me, but he's just not THAT into me. And that's everything I need to know and understand about this situation because as frustrating as it has been, I'm not emotionally invested in this thing and thus ending it will be a relief rather than a sorrow I have to nurse.
The Next Day
He texts: Ouch. I get up at 520 in the morning so I'm in bed early. Too bad. It would have been nice to get to know you better.
Me: Why Ouch? it's nothing personal. I just think you're too busy for me to date - don't you think?
Him: It only matters what you think.
Me: True. Guess I was just asking in case I was out in left field or something and you wanted to prove me wrong.
Him: I could prove you wrong but if your mind is made up why waste time.
Me: If it was made up i wouldn't still betextingor trying to hang out.
Him: I'm confused (now there's a shocker lol)
Me: About what? (not because I didn't believe he was confused but I figured there were so many possible things he could be confused over I would need him to narrow it do so I could clarify).
Me: Does this help...I would've loved it if you had proven me wrong and demonstrated that you had time to date.
The Next Day
He texts: I would like to date but not sure what kind of time you would like?
I don't respond to this right away, because I'm not really sure how to. It's not like I had devised a mathematical equation for dating (ex. dates on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday with phone calls on alternating Wednesdays and twice on Sunday) like jesus christ dude, I just want to date and if we're not actually going to see each other, stop wasting my time. Plus I don't like this question on the basis that it's another indication he's kind of an idiot (don't normal people know what dating normal amounts would be?) and it makes me feel like demanding Debbie to even have him ask me this, but I have to respond something (though I vaguely consider just never responding and leaving the scenario as "the cool one"lol!). I am not though (keep reading).
Me: I don't know it's not like a set thing but if i like someone I'd kind of expect to hang out like 1-2 times a week i guess.
And that my friends is the end of the story. It's been 3 days with no response, but honestly who gives a shit. Garbage Man and I have now known each other twice as many months as we've had dates and although that may bode well for him liking me it does not bode well for a summer of fun and stress less dating.
Am I frustrated that he wasn't cool and we didn't have a great third date and I didn't get to have some frisky fun and most importantly get that "first sex after the ex sex" out of the way? Definitely.
Am I sad? Not at all.
Was the frustration worth the hilarity and few good times? One Hundred Percent!
Would I prefer the hilarity and good times without the frustration (drama)? Obviously (give me some credit)
Am I ready for the next fella? Definitely.
*Originally published 30/04/2010