• Victoria Nachos

Dating and New Year's Resolutions: What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

I'm what you might call a feast or famine dater.

When I'm in school, studying hard and preparing grad school applications, and just generally making sure that being a student at 30 doesn't become a complete waste of my life, dating is at an all-time low (picture tumbleweeds and a lot of me in jogging pants barely leaving my apartment for days at a time because I'm studying). And it’s completely fine and acceptable because I’m doing what I want, what I love and what’s important.The boys can just take a seat in the back and wait for their number to be called. I am a woman with priorities and they don’t even make the list.

But when school is out, and during breaks like christmas and summer, well then you get what I call a balls to the wall type situation. I want as many dates as possible. I want all the lust and fun and meeting new people. Unfortunately, the timing doesn't always work out perfectly. Boys aren’t trained Labradors that come when you call them, after all. Sure, I may have all the time in the world for two weeks here and there or 4 months every summer, but that doesn't mean that all the smarty-pants-science-and-mathy-football-playing-kind-and-gentle-sarcastic-and-witty-alpha-males-who-just-happen-to-like-chubby-bunnies will be available and have me on their radar at that exact moment. Sadly, life isn’t that precise, which may or may not explain why a dating blogger can manage to be going on two years and have only dated about nine guys.

But that’s all about to change.

You see, I was recently talking to a friend and she was telling me about a period in her life where she did a ton of dating. A ton! she exclaimed. And I thought to myself I don’t really have that. I don’t have a period where I was completely open to every opportunity And I’m a dating blogger! I mean it just seems incongruous, no? And so I thought about it, only to realize it’s because the majority of my free dating time is spent simply trying to choose the least objectionable man from a pile of men, who I can only assume are the dregs of society still working on finding themselves. And to be honest, that takes up a ton of time, trying to figure out who comes across well through online dating sites but might not in real life and who doesn’t come across well but might turn out to be the comedian of my dreams in person (laughter being paramount to everything in my books). It’s exhausting. I’m fairly certain I could solve the problem of world hunger with a redirection of my dating efforts.

But that’s why this year is going to be different--2012 is the year of YES!

I’m two weeks away from having everything prepared for my grad school apps and after that school will fingers crossed be a breeze. I’ve got a lightened course-load, no more entrance exams to study for and no professors to get reference letters from. So the plan is to say YES to any guy willing to ask (who is nice and at least not wildly inappropriate; no jailbait, no second fathers, etc.) So why not right?!?!

What’s the worst that could happen right?!?! I become super practiced at making eloquent conversation? I get to meet all kinds of different people? Somebody teaches me something? I teach myself something? I accrue a lifetime worth of blogging material? Sure, it’ll cost a bit in terms of hair products and makeup but I’m nothing if not a good Samaritan and the economy still needs all the stimulation it can get, right? Plus I always say that nothing works better at keeping me on a healthy diet and a good workout regime like dating. So basically I’m saving myself and the world all in one fell swoop. Really it would be irresponsible of me to do anything else. And along the way maybe I can teach these boys a thing or two. Dating Vancouver a Better Place One “Something” at a Time.

So that’s the plan.

For 2012.

My year of yes*.

*But just to be clear, the yeses stop on the first dates. After that, boys, you’re on your own. Try not to screw it up.

And thus, I bring you, the first yes of 2012.

He first messaged, on Plenty of Fish, back in mid-December but I was busy with exams and keeping my priorities straight, which was exactly what I told him and he was okay with waiting. He asked for my number and I gave it and though texting ensued, it wasn't good. He had just moved to Vancouver from Toronto, wasn't an actor and honestly seemed like a bit of a cry-baby. I was not intrigued (except for the fact that he had been doing stand-up for the last ten years, or so he said but I was still waiting for the proof on that one).

First he complained about Vancouver: "The shops here suck, the weather here sucks."  Did he just talk shit about my mamma?  

Then he complained about the people: "Everyone here is stuck up."  And while I may or may not have just conceded this point in my recent article it drives me nuts when people can't see both sides of a problem.  Perhaps Vancouverites simply weren't digging his woe-is-me-eeyore-tear-stained-cheeks-man-child attitude.  It's just a thought.

And then he hit me with what I can only assume was his closer, his sure-fire, his never-miss, his lady-bagger: "I'm bored senseless, and I don't have any friends here." I was basically a cat in heat hearing all this.  I mean who wouldn't want this charmer. I practically fell off my chair. Swoon.

And maybe it was because this was quite possibly the most stressful time of my entire life, my future academic career hanging in the balance and all that, or maybe I'd just had it with complainers in general, but I couldn't hold back, and so I told him (in the politest most concise way I could think of) because I wasn't trying to hurt his feelings, if anything I wanted the best for him (which was me, obvs). And I was simply going to have to hold his hand on the way to get it.

I told him that this wasn't the way to impress a girl, that this was the kind of thing one should be telling their friends, That's what friends are for, yo. And he pathetically mentioned something about not having any friends here. Had this boy never heard of phonecards? or skype? And maybe I should've just stopped talking to him right then and there. But I'm not heartless (read: but it was the year of yes!).  And I did think to myself that while dating seemed unlikely, maybe I could be his friend instead. Help the poor guy out. Except the truth is, I was still waiting for that comedian to show himself and give me a little volley. Toss a joke back and forth. Banter a bit. I still had hope, ya know.

And though it was not funny, we did end the text conversation on a slightly higher note. Okay he conceded to my excessive and all consuming wisdom but can I still take you out. I couldn't imagine why he would want to after I'd just killed his kittens and stolen his lunch money advised him on social protocol.  But he's a dude after all.

And so his response to my really? why? was short and to the point. Which I can respect. And admittedly, was the thing that kept him in the game.

Because you're really hot.

*originally published 19/01/2012


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