Dating Advice: Navigating Casual Sex After A Break-Up
In my early twenties, you could definitely say: this girl fucks! But after a 6 year monogamous relationship that ended in heartbreak which is only just now starting to heal, I'm a little bit more gun-shy to get in the sack. In fact, I haven't had sex with anyone since the demise of that relationship. But it was starting to feel like time.
And now I was getting all hot and bothered over sexting with a new guy--Intelligence Officer. There wasn't much dating potential (given that he had said that he was only looking for casual sex and was about to move a few hours away), but he was relatively hot and we'd had some really fun and witty banter. My pants were practically sliding off on their own.
The day of our date turns out to be ridiculously busy but Intelligence Officer texts throughout the day and overall things are good. I feel a bit like I don't know what the fuck I'm doing eeeeeek!!! (girly shriek) but given how totally in favour of this whole hot-sex-no-strings-attached-booty-call-awesomeness everybody I've talked to about it seems to be, I can't help but think--I've got this!
It also doesn't hurt that I've got the support and encouragement from my best friend.
Words of Encouragement 101 (Reasons I need to do this)
1. "WE need this!" (my friend has also been known to say, when asked if I should call a fella, "no...WE are playing hard to get).
2. He can be Googled. Okay Okay I know I know...but I googled him. There are links to articles about him in the Vancouver Sun (Vancouver's biggest paper for ya'll that don't know). My friend feels that makes him celebworthy and in her words, "one day [I'll] be able to be like...so this one time...yada yada yada...go ahead and google him." and you'll be able to. I heart her logic.
My Reasons of Discouragement aka Nervousness aka WTF Am I Doing?
1. I haven't had sex since the closure sex with Mega Love in January and then not since 3 months before that when we first broke up.
2. I haven't had sex with someone (new) in over 6 years.
3. I haven't had sex with someone new (sober) in over 8 years.
4. I haven't had sex with someone (white) while sober since my first time over a decade ago, and while I know it's illogical, I just feel more at ease with Black men because they've been a lesser contributor of fat phobia trauma.
My friend assures me that this is going to be awesome but I tell her my bodily insecurities. She assures me that not only does EVERY girl have these same issues but that I'm all kinds of fabulous and have absolutely nothing to worry about. She asks if she should send texts or call so that I seem uber popular during my date. She usually does this for my first dates. We find it hilarious. We find it awesome. Don't judge us. I say no though, because she'll be in bed (mommy schedule style) by the time I'm really on the date. She promises to send texts of encouragement beforehand though. Wednesday night I play ball. He calls while I'm at my car taking off my cleats. I like the checking in to make sure everything is still a go (it is).
I go to my cousin's place downtown to shower, change and beautify. We girl chat and she encourages as I'm really nervous (mostly about the having of the sex and not so much the actual meeting for the date). That being said, there is no liquid courage in my future as a sober dater so I text my friend for verbal reinforcement.
Tell me this is going to be good. Tell me sex is just like riding a bike.
It's only like riding a bike if you like to lick the wheels! You will be fab in so many ways.
Intelligence Officer picks a lounge for us to meet and when I arrive first, I grab a table at the back and order a diet coke.
We don't have diet coke.
I'm stunned lol who doesn't have diet coke? so I order a cran and soda. He arrives only a minute or two after and orders a beer. I'm sitting down when he arrives and he slides in beside me (very suave). He looks good and the height issue appears no biggie so far but then again I'm sitting. He smells delicious and is definitely cuter than his pictures. So he slides up close but not before noting my jeans (which I call my magic jeans because they just make my legs look great and my ass look amazing). My thighs sparkle in his eyes. At one point, I unzip my hoodie-type-sweater and smile when his eyes bulged and I swear I saw a bit of drool. He reached over and did up my hoodie stuttering something about not being able to control himself if I wasn't done up like a mummy. We laughed. We chatted. It was cute and nervous. Awkward in the very best way possible. We laugh more. His sense of humor is like mine. He asks about why I don't drink, and I tell him. He jokes that if he didn't know I wasn't drinking he'd think I was drunk (in a good cute bubbly way). The moment is taut. We kiss. And it's good.
I have to say a lot of my concern for our date involved the "what if" that would follow all of our previous sexting. As in, what if I feel nothing (in my lady parts) for him. But, this quickly becomes a moot point and we shut the place down before he pays and we leave. We drive to his place in Kits (the one he's moving out of) and I'm nervous that it's going to be a real dive (because he'd once joked that he had a small bed which I had initially thought was a joke). So he turns into this driveway (the only port of entry through an otherwise surrounding fence) and I swear I see the word "Defence" on a sign but I don't focus on it and just keep driving till we park.
He takes my hand and we go inside where I see vending machines in the lobby (which seems a bit weird but whatever I guess who doesn't like snacks). We continue up the stairs and come across what looks like a college dorm lounge. I turn my head to the right and see a long hallway lined with doors, much like a college dorm but he's in his 30s so this obviously can't be that, can it?
And that's when I see them, shiny black boots, a pair lined up against the wall before each door and it finally occurs to me what should've been obvious before--this is a military barracks!
We go into his room (and he was not joking about the bed! it's like a rebirth of my college dorm bed). I give him some good-natured ribbing. I think he was mildly embarassed but the funny thing is, I really thought it was awesome (hilarious and story-worthy, like an army and college dorm room rolled into one).
Now folks, here is where we part ways because while I'm going to take a moment to remember the awesomeness that was the rest of the evening/morning, I will be leaving you to your hot-sexy-liberal imaginations. Though I will say this: I definitely didn't need to worry. After much "sampling" of my goods, the review had come in and I've been awarded the Lance Armstrong Seal of Approval (that's a callback to the bike riding metaphor above). Anyway, we left things on great terms--I didn't stay to cuddle, he walked me to my car, grabbed my hand for a magic kiss goodnight, and I drove off in a blaze of glory.
Will we have fun again? Who knows. Do I want to? Sure! I had a really good time but nothing is hinging on the future. Whatever happens happens. I had a good time, got a good bang out of the way, and gained a bit of quality experience for my dating adventures to come. Either way, we had fun and that's all the really matters to me these days.
*originally posted 19/05/2010